


My Queen of Hearts

by MysticMedusa



Series: We're All Mad Here [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Crossdressing, M/M, Possessive Bucky Barnes, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 12:17:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11944020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticMedusa/pseuds/MysticMedusa
Summary: Tony Stark starring as Cheshire Cat, Bucky Barnes staring as the mad hatter, and guest star Loki starring as the queen of hearts. What could possibly go wrong...everyone is so screwed





	My Queen of Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> For those curious about the name of the series it's from a song Cheshire kitten(we're all mad here) by SJ Tucker. I thought it was fitting consider this is a crack story and several references to Alice in Wonderland or in the case of Bucky(played by the talented Sebastian Stan) Once Upon a Time

Tony had no idea how he got into these messes. Yes he did get caught in a tree(shut your face Barton it’s not that funny, I will head butt you in the dick and no you can’t make fun of my size. Only I can make short jokes). So again, he had no idea how this happened. If he had to blame anyone he’d blame Thor. Not because he was actually to blame but because the stupid muscly blonde god had left his hammer in the middle of the walkway again. He almost yelled at Thor but he hadn’t because his anger had quickly turned to giddy excitement. He never told the others but he had actually charmed the hammer into moving out of the walk way. Who knew Tony Fucking Stark could charm the fuck out of a magical space Viking weapon. He should get award for that but that would require bragging and he would love the small joy of seeing Thor confused every time his hammer wasn’t where he left it. He may or may not be doing a Barton by being a little shit and fucking with people. So far Thor had yet to figure out what was happening and Tony had forbidden JARVIS from telling Thor what was happening.

Either way he was getting off topic, this situation right here was…there were no words for the creature currently bleeding out in his living room. He wanted to say it was disgusting but there was a spear in the beast’s gut with a note on the end with his name on it. He assumed it was a gift so either Thor had a twisted way of showing affection that he didn’t know about(seriously his bones were still recovering from the last hug, he wasn’t sure dead mystery beasts were better than nearly dying for hugs) or Loki was trying to tell him something.

“Ah friend Tony it appears you are being courted by a god.”

“Huh, I was kind of wondering what was happening here.”

He was so close to hoping Thor was the one attempting to court him but then he thought of his poor bones almost breaking under the weight of his hugs. Then he thought that strength applied to the bedroom and almost cried for his pelvis and dick. Either Thor would bottom and break Tony’s dick or he’d shatter his pelvis fucking him. It may or may not be the best way to go and Tony would almost think he’d be to blissed out to realize he was being fucked to death. He was weighing his options when Thor spoke.

“This spear is my brother’s. You should be honored my friend, Loki does not take interest in another easily.”

Tony wasn’t sure what to do with this.

“So…what am I suppose to do with this?”

“Prepare it and feast on what a most worthy warrior has hunted for you.”

“Um I’m not exactly the best chief and I really don’t know how to prepare whatever this is.”

Thor the giant puppy he was was more than eager to help. When Bucky and Steve returned from their run they were just as confused as Tony about the beast.

“What is that?”

“Apparently the bag of cats has decided to court me.”

Bucky made a face.

“That the fella that tried to conquer the world?”

“Yep.”

He frowned slightly.

“I guess he’s kind of hot but your mine so no.” With that Bucky flung Tony over his shoulder prepared to lay his claim.

Tony had no issues with this but apparently no one told Bucky Loki was a god. Said god refused to let something like a mortal stand in his way of pursuing someone. The next gift that came was a very pretty jeweled dagger. Tony liked it but he wasn’t one for daggers. He used his armor and every time he considered training with the dagger Natasha death glared him(out of jealousy, not because it was from Loki) and Bucky had taken to just bending him over whatever nearby surface there was regardless of who was present(Clint is especially not fond of this, Steve is oddly enough use to it, and Natasha somehow always had popcorn at the ready to watch the show).

“Can’t…fuck anymore.” Tony whined as he crawled from his bed where Bucky was lounging looking both smug and satisfied.

“Awe my poor Cheshire Cat, did I wear you out?”

Tony half glared at him as his legs were rubber and he needed to pee really badly.

“I can’t walk you asshole. Seriously stop fucking me every time you feel like Loki is just going to swoop in and steal me. My poor precious asshole can’t take it.”

“I bet it could take another pounding.”

Tony whined as Bucky picked him back up for another round. His need to use the restroom was long forgotten for the next hour. He did however curse Bucky’s name when he came to again and found the evil and possessive super soldier had left him to go to the gym. Tony stared at the note left by Bucky and hoped his glare was enough to burn the note. He should have said no to another round and demand Bucky carry him to the bathroom. But his bathroom needs were the least of his worries.

“You have been ignoring my courting gifts.”

He may or may not have yelped at the sudden calm voice of none other than the god of mischief.

“Oh thank god a god. I need you to carry me to the bathroom. Because of you attempting to go all Queen of Hearts on my ass and steal my heart, Bucky has been a possessive bastard. Never in my life did I think I would complain about getting laid.”

Loki raised a brow.

“So you are already taken so I must smite your lover so you will be mine?”

“Or, and I’m just putting it out there because Bucky is hot as hell, you could steal both our hearts. Have two very sexy mortals worshipping you constantly. But after you take me to the bathroom, he has literally destroyed my asshole so I can’t walk. The bathroom is so far away.” He half whined the last part but mostly because if his bladder had hands it would be gripping a blade to stab him for being ignored.

“Very well, the soldier is not unattractive and I do like to be worshipped.”

Tony gave a tiny cheer as the god carried him to the bathroom. He of course didn’t take into account that Loki wasn’t leaving. Once he was done the god picked him up bridal style (seriously he wasn’t a fucking damsel in distress, people need to stop this shit) and carried him to find Bucky. This could either be a very good thing or very bad. And seeing as he was still naked and had an asshole full of Bucky’s come he was leaning more towards this could be bad. Of course the first person they ran into was Thor, Tony was pretty sure he was going to curse the fates or whoever had decided to let this shit happen. He just wanted someone to blame, he blamed Rhodey. If he visited more often this shit wouldn’t happen.

“Brother, have you succeeded in your attempts to court the man of iron?”

“Not yet but I will soon. I seek the soldier of winter.”

“The soldier spends much of his time in the gym. You will find him there.”

“Seriously Thor are you really not going to save me?” Tony whined feeling just a little betrayed.

“Do you actually require saving?” Thor asked sounding far to amused; Tony was totally going to stop buying him poptarts.

“My ass has been abused enough by Bucky. Your insane little brother is about to take me to him and likely both are going to have their way with me. I don’t need saving but my ass does.”

“Shh, all lies my Anthony. I shall be gentle.”

Tony half whimpered while already plotting Thor’s demise, yep it was all his fault. Screw blaming Rhodey for this, Thor was clearly the only one worthy of blame. He was totally going to charm Mjolnir into not letting Thor pick her up.

He glared and stared half pleading with Thor but the big idiot god just walked away. Maybe he would shave his beard while he was sleeping. That would teach him. He’d get Clint to help him; Clint was a little shit with as little self-preservation as him. He’d totally help. He might have to bribe him though. Maybe buy him his own island.

“Soldier of winter, I wish to speak to you about allowing me to steal yours and the man of iron’s heart.” Loki’s voice boomed nearly as loud as Thor’s as he kicked the gym door off its hinges.

Bucky looked up and Tony felt his face turn red seeing both Steve and Natasha there as well. He had stuff leaking out of his ass and he was naked, damn all the gods and damn Bucky. He was going to make them all pay for this. Maybe he would dye Natasha’s hair while she slept. He wasn’t even sure how to prank Steve. He’d think of something eventually but this was all their faults.

“Oh you’re going to steal our hearts are you? Put my Cheshire Cat down and I’ll consider it.”

Loki looked amused.

“Well if he is Cheshire and I am the Queen of Hearts, who are you?”

“He’s my Mad Hatter now put me down. I’m naked and there’s people present.”

“Silence love, I’m negotiating sharing you with the soldier. He does look like that actor from that show though, I approve the nickname.”

Tony face palmed while Bucky picked up both Natasha and Steve and threw them out of the gym. Tony could already feel a deep ache in his ass knowing how this was going to end. Curse all the old gods; he was going to fuck up someone’s shit. At least Natasha and all her scary murderous ways should have saved him. He was definitely going to dye her hair while she was sleeping.

“So negotiations. What do I get out of this by agreeing to share my Tony?”

“Hey don’t I get a say in this?”

“Yes you do but we both know you’ll say yes.” Loki said never taking his eyes off of Bucky.

Tony just pouted because yeah he’d say yes. Anyone who said no to sleeping with a god was clearly insane or really stupid. Maybe both. On the other hand his ass couldn’t take another pounding. Clearly he’d always been doomed to die by sex; clearly it was going to be done by threesome with two powerful and sexy men.

“As for you soldier, you get to claim to all the nine realms that you slept with a god.”

“I already get to sleep with a genius kitten. God doesn’t excite me as much as you think.”

Tony almost wanted to ask if Loki wanted some ice for that burn but then he remembered he liked being alive and stopped himself.

“But I am not a foolish muscle bound god like Thor. I am a mage and I have some very interested talents you might enjoy.”

To show these talents Loki summoned his magic and Tony yelped in surprise feeling something wasn’t right. He felt his head where there were now stripped pink and purple cat ears. Feeling something on his backside he looked to see a matching tail. He glared at Loki only to find he had used his magic to change his clothing. He was standing there with a very attractive queen of hearts inspired dress with heels. Holy shit there has never been anything hotter than a god of mischief in heels. He was still going to make everyone pay for this but he was going to enjoy this sight in case he never saw it again.

He had only two seconds between the possessive growl and being jumped by a very turned on super soldier.

“No my butt!” He cried out but he knew he was already doomed.

Later when he went up to the common floor where the others had gathered and were (according to JARVIS finally plotting together how to deal with Loki) he glared at them all not even bothered by his nudity anymore. Or the fact he was covered in hickeys and scratches because apparently he wasn’t the only one with claws (damn you Loki you sexy god) and he had several bite marks because Bucky now liked biting to try and outnumber the marks Loki left. Of course besides the fact he was completely naked and had cat features to now match his nickname, he’d left a trail from his previous activities. It was like a trail of breadcrumbs (Just a more adult version) and he was bound to soon have two still horny men after him soon.

“Oh god you’re naked.” Clint cried out falling off his perch.

“You’re leaving a trail.” Natasha pointed out and he was going to enjoy pranking her for this. She could at least pretend to care that she’d just left him there to be ravished by two talented lovers.

“You all are going to pay for just leaving me there. I can barely walk and this is all your fault.”

He hadn’t even noticed Bruce was present until the man came from the direction of the kitchen.

“Tony are you ok?”

Arms wrapped around Tony’s waist startling him.

“Damn it I’m just a mortal man, spare me.”

Loki was still dressed in his far too sexy dress and he’d apparently given Bucky new clothes seeing as the super soldier had just tore his off because gently taking them off would have taken too much time. Yep he defiantly looked the part of the Mad Hatter now and damn was it hot. Just not as hot as him picking up Loki and therefore him because the god was holding him and walking off with both his lovers. Tony was pretty sure he was going to die by sexy times but he’d be damned if he didn’t make the others pay first.

A week later the entire team was in an uproar. Steve’s uniform was no longer red white and blue but pink with glittery lavender. His shield had a unicorn in the middle of the star as well and wouldn’t you know it Doom attacked before he could fix it. Oh well, Tony would deny until the day he died that he may or may not have provoked Doom into attacking just so the media would forever remember the day Captain America allowed the world to see his more feminine side. Of course that almost (key word almost) didn’t stand up to Natasha aka Black Widow aka the bitch who will cut you having her hair dyed neon green with the words ‘I <3 Hulk’ written on all her uniforms (Because Tony wasn’t going to risk her not having to go out with a uniform that had those words written on them). For Clint Tony had adjusted his arrows just slightly. Now whatever each of them was made to do, they still did it but it had the added effect of glitter and sparkles everywhere. Nothing said I’m a previous fairy princess like glitter and those words now added to all of his clothing in sparkly embroidery( yes Tony learned embroidery just for a prank, don’t you judge him).  Tony of course did shave Thor’s beard. That the big blonde god wasn’t happy about but his anger was occupied with Doom bots. Tony decided not to do anything to Bruce but only because their bond as science bros was strong and he could forgive the shy doctor.

When they returned to the tower Thor was ready to smash Tony’s face in but the genius just looked at the raised hammer and began flirting with it.

“Here there beautiful girl, you wouldn’t let the mean old god of thunder bash my face in right?” He winked at the hammer which just confused everyone.

Tony Stark was many things but among his well-known titles was playboy and there was a reason he earned it. He could have panties dropping everywhere (or in this case a blushing mythical hammer).

“What?” Thor asked looking utterly confused as the hammer he was holding brought him crashing down as he could no longer hold it.

“Don’t worry big guy you’re still worthy. But that beautiful piece of work right there doesn’t want to hurt me and let’s face it, I could charm the pants of Hulk if I wanted.”

Bruce blushed and Tony couldn’t resist offering him a wink to.

“Don’t worry handsome, I won’t try to have my way with you. Anyways, my payback is complete.” He walked towards the elevator to go to his penthouse where his lovers were no doubt waiting for him but before the doors closed he decided to add for drastic effect. “For now at least.”

If he later was given a golden apple by Thor so he wasn’t just a mortal man to his super powered lovers in an attempt for him never to charm his hammer again, he wasn’t going to complain.


End file.
